Our own well-being requires the right balance…
The desire to care for others defines the best of the human spirit.
Then why does this desire often lead us to despair? In the worst of circumstances, in a tragic state of irony, it may lead us away from hope and to hopelessness.
The answer is within each of us, and the question becomes how to strike the right balance. Our wellbeing and path to a better self depend on it.
The Trap is Subtle, and Grip is Tight
We have all seen the examples. We are often part of one.
Mary is a mother whose children have grown and no longer need her for dependence. She is hopeful that the time is right to restart her health care routine. A routine she practiced in her younger days. The pure joy of quiet time for mindfulness, yoga, and walking outdoors.
Yet when she is ready and excited to get started, the demands and expectations from others return. The sibling who needs help watching the kids, the co-worker who needs someone to talk to. Her reputation being the one who others can rely on does not go away.
John has been successful on the career ladder at work. He has worked long and hard for years and feels ready to scale back. The chance to recapture the joy of painting and reading invigorate him.
Like Mary though, the expectations of others who have grown to rely on John show up. Daily, sometimes hourly. These co-workers, family members and friends rely on John’s care and advice, not his hobbies.
For our Best Future Self, We Must Start with Ourselves
The solution is simple, but far from easy. We must define what our own needs are, and why. We then make a commitment to ourselves, no one else. This commitment must be non-negotiable.
When we take care of our own wellbeing first, we create the best future for ourselves. The right amount of control for our health and stress. The real ability to recapture hope for the life we deserve now and in the future.
If this is simple, why aren’t more of us able to do it? The path to the right balance is a tricky one.
Like anything else, it takes a plan. A plan that is flexible not rigid, yet one that creates the way forward with intention.
Set Clear Outcomes
What does wellbeing and good living look like to you? Be specific. How will you spend your time? How will you feel? How will your relationships look when you set your boundaries?
Create Boundaries, Not Schedules
Schedules are rigid and won’t allow for the demands that appear daily. Instead, you set the amount of time per day or week you will commit to yourself. You stay true to these boundaries and communicate with care to those who rely on you.
Others must understand you will continue to give the right amount of care and dependability. The key is the right amount. The time commitment for self-care cannot be compromised. If we allow that, we fall back in the grip of others at the expense of ourselves.
Never Compromise on Your Values
You must remain true to your core values. You will continue to provide proper care to others. The balance will be different, and more intentional. The right people will respect and honor your values.
Some may not. That may lead to more difficult situations if the true intentions of some people surface. You must decide whether those people and their intentions are worth your wellbeing.
Be Open to Receiving Care from Others
The ones who care the most are often the least likely to accept help from others. This mindset of pride must be challenged. Accepting help has traditionally been perceived as a sign of weakness. In fact, it is a symbol of strength.
No one stands alone. It is ok to share to ask for, and accept, help from others.
Caring for Yourself First is Respectful, and Necessary
Caring for yourself first is not selfish. Rather, it is the foundation of personal strength. You enable the best life for yourself, with proper boundaries. With intention, and an eye on living the life you know you deserve. It is then you can provide the proper care for those who rely on you and look up to you. Take that oxygen mask first and breathe. Fill your tank first, then be fully present to help others fill their own.
No despair. Only the right expectations and the best love and care and are blessed given.
The very best of you.